12/14 

I know I could have done better in more ways than one in the relationship. That was such a year. I knew the kind of relationship I wanted, knew how I wanted things to be handled maturely, to work through conflict in a healthy way, have a solid rhythm of communication. A mature relationship. Instead it was a rollercoaster. Started off as a dream in the Boundary Waters ended kind of like a nightmare, well they all do. No endings are pretty. And if they are, did you every possess anything real and with depth? But that is not the point of this entry, the point is, had so much shit gone down would still be together? I don't often question this, or rather I didn't in the beginning of my healing because it really didn't matter, you can play that game all day, the facts is shit happened and the ship went down with it all (the relationship is the ship hehe). But I find myself pondering this close to 6 months post breakup. My therapist helped me process by saying you don't know how people are going to handle situations like losing your job, people's mental health struggles, deaths, big moves and changes across the country. Know that I'm listing it all out, we went through all that shit, less than a year of being in a relationship. I think I'm still healing from the unfinished business or the fact that I was in such survival mode or not at my best self, actually a true wave of struggle and self discovery that sure as hell wasn't pretty. He didn't get to see me at the other end, what came after that chapter. I can't help but want to question why he was there for such a tough season for me. I know, again its another scenic route to a dead end conclusion that is just heal and move on, you can spend so much time on the what if's or the why's. But still I'm human and can't think to help and ask why did it fail. I have made my peace and found my meaning of what that relationship helped me with. Still something lingers in me, trying to make complete sense of that, and the answer probably is you will never make complete sense and that is a sign it wasn't meant to be because it just didn't work. Because with the right partner you would have made it through the mud, right? Currently that is all I have though, is a relationship that failed, until I experience one that does work out and is the one I won't have to heal from, all I will have is the lingering of why did that have to happen, why did my heart have to break? Why did that year have to break us? It's weird to heal from a relationship that brought you to a place that is so not a space you normally exist in, its hard to make sense of it once it's finally over. How do you make sense of such chaos? How could I love someone so deeply and wasn't able to let go for awhile and at the same time had this thought always circling of is this me or is this us, something isn't working. If I had been in a better headspace or spot in life, would we have been able to work through our problems? I ended it because my gut and my boundaries and respect to myself said no more. I had reached my capacity. I didn't have what I needed in the relationship to stay. Had it been more a safe space for me, we could have moved through it all, rose above even. Instead the way it played out was I had to experience all that and then let him go to get aligned again. The truth is once it ended, I felt the last misalignment in my life was gone. Call that bad timing or wrong person? I have no clue. I got a conclusion once it ended, but just because I have a conclusion or know the ending, doesn't mean I am not filled with questions about the story.